At a family day at the last treatment center I was given homework…. I had to sit down and separate my husband from his addiction…. then I had to write a letter to his addiction. So here it is…….
I am not sure where to start, I look into the mirror and I no longer see the strong, vibrant, free, fun loving young girl I once was. I now see a tired, sick, anger, broken and bitter woman. I am not sure when I become this person, I suppose it is from the past few years of carrying burdens that were not mine to bear. Addiction, you have made me into something I can even stand to look at. I think the thing I hate most is the monster that lives inside of me. The rage that I have become unable to control inside of me when faced with you. At times it almost feels like I am watching someone else, a movie of someone else’s life.
I have talked, begged and plead with God more in the last few years that I have in my entire life. Sometimes begging that my love one could just walk away from the hold you have on them, sometimes thanking God that my love one is safe after a weekend of dancing with the devil, and still I feel further from God than ever before.
As I sit and reflect I wonder what else you have stolen from me. What things are lost forever and what things can be recovered? Addiction, you have taken my home, a place that is supposed to a place of comfort and security, has become a place of fear and a place a chaos. What is even worse is that this chaos has begun to feel normal. When you show your ugly face in our home you never know what the night might hold. The nights of chaos at times have turned into some of the ugliest physical altercations I have ever seen. Addiction, you have turned me into abuser and the abused. The physical altercations don’t bother me so much, those wounds heal. The emotional cuts and bruise from the words we throw around in anger and drunkenness, those seem to stay with me far longer, most of which you do not recall. It reminds of an African proverb: The tree remembers what the axe forgets.
As I write this letter I find myself thinking about what you have taken from me but I also am heartbroken about what you have taken from world. My loved one is intelligent, kindhearted and at one time in his life had a passion to help others. He was a medic, whose only goal in life was to help others people during what could possibly be the worst moments of their life, Addiction you stole his passion for his career and his passion for life.
All of these things are things you have stolen from me for which time can recover. When I look at things that cannot be recovered it’s the time we have lost. Addiction, we have been waiting on you to leave so that we could start a family, however, it just seems unfair to ever bring another human into this chaos, it saddens me most because what if my mother never gets to be a grandmother and I never a mother.
Sitting down to write this letter has made me do some soul searching, and brought me back to something I learned in church growing up which I think all of us can relate to its pretty simple…. Love the sinner, not the sin….. or in our case Love the addict, not the addiction.
The Wife of An Addict